Two Belgian professors who teach at the Catholic University of Leuven recently conducted a test that gave us pause. What they decided to do was to submit the Antwerp library’s 10 most borrowed books to bacteriology and toxicology tests.

And we’ve got to admit the results they got back were concerning…

To begin with all ten books tested positive for traces of cocaine (including a book of popular Jommeke comic strips.) Flanders News quotes Toxicologist Prof Jan Tytgat explaining that the trace amounts were minimal and that the “levels found won’t have a pharmacological effect. Your consciousness or behavior won’t change as a result of reading the tomes.” But we’re not sure we’re buying that. After all, these were books that were constantly and repeatedly being checked out – and no matter what the professor thinks – that sounds like cocaine-fevered behavior to us!

Even more concerning to us was them finding traces of the herpes virus on copies of E. L. James’ bondage opus, Fifty Shades of Grey. The professors did stress that the concentrations of the virus were minimal and not a health risk – and that borrowers shouldn’t be concerned about getting herpes from these books. But just to be safe, we’re suggesting that our readers get their copies directly from Amazon.