THE BEER BEFORE CHRISTMAS – 2016

It’s the day before Christmas …So we’re republishing an extremely damaged holiday poem by Dave Stratton, ACB’s LA Correspondent, who also does stand-up comedy when he’s not drinking like a madman and covering the American craft beer waterfront for us..

The Beer Before Christmas

‘Twas the beer before Christmas…I sat in the pub.
All the locals were leaving…they’re looking for grub.
They slid from their bar stools, with the greatest of care,
In hopes that some fast food might finally be theirs.

Alone in the barroom while the jukebox played notes,
I poured the rest of the amber ale down my throat.
It was warm in the pub, but the beer was ice cold,
The head was full and frothy, and it’s color, gold.

Then the bartender regrettably, rang the closing bell,
He looked over at me and began to tell…
“You’ve had pizza and pretzels and you’ve had countless beers,
You don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay in here.”

It seemed a bit early, but what could I do?
This was his place and he could do what he do.
The frozen wind hit me as I headed outside,
Should I walk home or just look for a ride?

I zipped up my jacket and put on my gloves,
Then heard a loud jingling sound from the skies up above.
Squinting up through streetlights and the drifts of white snow,
I noticed something…something giving a glow.

It was racing down towards me, rushing the night,
Horrifically falling from such a great height.
As it got closer, I heard an anguished “F**K”,
And then realized it was a bright red delivery truck!

It was flying erratic, sweeping this way and that,
Smoke from its backend, I started to hack.
There was a loud sputter, a wheeze and a gasp,
The truck stopped abruptly, then let out a rasp.

The white-bearded driver bailed the cab in a quick,
He wore a red outfit, and his nametag read “Nick”.
Kicking his stalled vehicle, he continued to swear,
He screamed to the heavens…He pulled at his hair.

He looked down the street, his complaining on hold,
“And I’m already late…This shit is getting old!”
“Can I help?” I asked him…as I drew near
“First things first,” he answered, “You need a beer?”

He returned to his ride and he opened the door,
A cab’s light came on and lit up the floor
My mouth stood agape as I stared at the wondrous sight,
His drive was brimming with beer, and it gleamed in the light..

And the beer that I saw, was like an answered prayer.
Cases of Dick’s Double Diamond and Ninkasi Sleigh’r,
Ebenezer, Abominable, and Avery Jubelale.
Winter beer everywhere, a holiday holy grail.

“See anything you like?” He whimsically asked,
“Maybe a 21^st Amendment Fireside Chat?
Or a Powder Hound perhaps…maybe a 10⁰ Below?
Help me get this truck moving and it’s Ho, Ho, Ho.”

“I’ve tons of deliveries that I must make tonight,
And with no truck, I’d have to give up that fight.
Many good men and women are in need of great beer,
And it is up to me alone… to get it there.”

I rolled up my sleeves and walked to the hood,
I had no ideas, (but my intentions were good).
Fiddling with hoses, and adjusting the caps,
Massaging the belts and checking the straps.

Back at the cab I turned the key to try a start,
And what I discovered heartened my heart.
The panel was now lit and what did I see?
The battery’s fine, but the fuel was on empty!

Nick spoke not a word, but went right to work,
He grabbed his backup gas can…He felt like a jerk.
He opened the cap and tilted up the can,
Filling the tank of the delivery van.

The key was then turned and the engine now hummed
“Well, what do you know, I feel really dumb.”
He climbed into his truck, and engaged the pedal,
And I was delighted that I had decided to meddle.

He gave me a sly wink, and wiggled his nose,
Then the truck began to vibrate and it slowly rose.