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The biggest holiday and cash crop for flower shops may be none other than Valentine’s Day. This commercial-crazed, love-fest celebration seems to benefit companies such as Russell Stover, See’s Candies, and The Crappy-Stuffed-Bear-with-Heart Emporium more than horny guys hoping to get some action. This year, try indulging in a gift for your honey-schmookins-booboo-pie (or for yourself) that will actually benefit your true love in life: craft beer. ACB has some great love/beer advice that will help out every craft drinker’s situation this Valentine’s Day.
Craft Ideas for First Dates/New Partners
For those in a new relationship or if you’re taking that special someone out for a first or second date on Valentine’s Day, you’re probably thinking to yourself, “Oh crap, what do I get my new beau that shows that I care but yet doesn’t scare him or her off by insinuating the big L word?” Flowers are a great start, but this gift is overdone and they die. If you want to be a little more original without losing the sentiment, then try ale infused with flowers. Rogue’s MoM Hefeweizen Brewed with Rose Petals is a slightly sweet and light Belgian-style blonde ale that will surly put a smile on that special someone you’re trying to impress. If you think the word “Mom” in the title of this beer might scare off your afraid-of-commitment partner, try Revolution Brewing’s Rosa Hibiscus Ale or Elysian’s Avatar Jasmine IPA. These floral beauties will make your lady forget about the flower shop and start thinking about the adult shop.
Beers to Help Set the Mood
There’s no better feeling than being head-over-heels in love, except for being head-over-heels in love while drinking craft beer. Setting the mood to add to the excitement in the bedroom with your hump buddy can be just as fun as the dirty deed itself. Try spicing up (or sweetening up) your foreplay with a chocolate stout or porter. Start off by drinking SanTan’s Sex Panther Double Chocolate Porter out of each other’s navels. Then move on to BridgePort’s Bear Hug Cherry Chocolate Stout while giving each other some naked bear hugs of your own.
Aphrodisi-Crafts
Longtime lovers can still have fun on V-Day like their younger counterparts can, but sometimes they may need a little push to start the pushin’. Boner pills can be expensive, they can have adverse health effects, and they don’t taste nearly as good as a fine craft. Not only does Flying Dog Pearl Necklace Oyster Stout get the Crafty Award for Best Sexual Innuendo in a Beer Name, but it’s also brewed with Rappahannock River Oysters, which are known to be a strong aphrodisiac. This mollusk-infused stout will be sure to turn you on to your salty dog or turn you on to Davy Jones (the pirate, not the Monkee, RIP). If you need more of a full-on tackle from strong safety Kam Chancellor to get your motor going, then why not try a beer that’s made with bull testicles? People of China and India have been using bull nards for centuries to achieve full arousal and some even claim it’s more powerful than Viagra. Try Wynkoop’s Rocky Mountain Oyster Stout that has 1/100th of a bull’s manhood in each 12 oz. beer. Mmmmm Mmmmm, it’s nutty!
Beers for Going Solo
There are some 60 million people worldwide who will spend Valentine’s Day without a date, but if you happen to be one of these lone wolves and be a craft beer drinker, then you’ll never be alone. Celebrate celibacy even if it’s unintentional and say, “Screw all y’all who’ll be screwin’! I got my brews in my hand and we’re gonna have fun tonight!” Then secretly cry in the bathroom, look at yourself in the mirror, take a deep breath, aaaaaand you’re back! You can glorify your singleness by sipping on Odell Brewing Isolation Ale. This yummy caramel malt ale will warm your soul and cool your libido. Also try Carters Single and Celibate Trappist-Style Single Ale, which is best enjoyed from a Trappist chalice while having a rousing conversation with Tim Gunn, Zig Ziglar, and Tim Tebow about the philosophies of Immanuel Kant.
This Valentine’s Day, always have the right craft on hand to help out with your romantic (or non-romantic) situation and you’ll be sure to have a day to remember while not buying into this mega-commercialistic holiday. Instead, support an industry that needs some more love–the craft brewing industry. As always on this day of romance, make sure to use protection: wrap your beer in a koozie.
