Sometimes, for whatever reasons, bad beer can end up in your hands. And you know you’re never going to drink it, Hey no worries, because ACB has four creative ways you can make that shit beer work for you.
Beer and barbecues just go together – and if you don’t have beer at your barbecues, then the terrorists have won. Of course if you’re an avid reader of ACB, then you probably either supply or bring quality craft beers to any backyard cookouts. However, we all have those friends that bring crap beer when we’re the grill hosts. This is very gracious of them and we appreciate it, but what do we do with that leftover 48-pack of Corona Light when the festivities are done?
Well how about…
Turn that left-behind shitty beer into the gift that keeps on giving by marinating meats into more barbecue favorites! Soaking any meat in Uncle Chuck’s Milwaukee’s Best will help tenderize your cut due to the enzymes and low acid levels found in any beer. Plus, new research has found that beer marinades reduce the amount of polycyclic aromatic hydrocarbons (PAHs), which are carcinogens that can form on meat when seared at high temperatures during grilling. So in other words, those unwanted brews can help avoid a faux-PAH of having a tumor in your b-hole. Here’s an easy marinade that you can try out at home:
2 Chicken Breasts
1 bottle of Corona or other terrible lager that you were going to use for Redneck Skeet Shooting
2 limes, juiced
2 ounces of tequila
¼ cup of taco seasoning
2 to 3 dashes (or more) Tapatio Hot Sauce
Poke some holes in the chicken with a fork. Dump all of the ingredients into a large Ziploc bag. Push out the air and seal the bag. Let the bag sit in a refrigerator for two to three hours or more. Throw the chicken on a grill that’s set to medium high if you’re Hank Hill and have a “clean burning propane grill” or on a coal grill that’s heated to 400 degrees (if you have a George Forman Grill, then throw it in the garbage and get your recluse ass outside).
Cook each side for three to four minutes and then lower the temperature to 350 degrees. Continue to flip your bird (the chicken, not your finger) every four to five minutes using the marinade to baste each side between flips until the thickest part of the meat is 165 degrees (make sure each side gets flame kissed after you apply your last basting).
I can’t tell you how many times I stepped and slipped on a slug or the slimey loogie tubes got between my toes and my Teva knock-off Jesus sandals when I was living in the Northwest. In wet climates, these bastards are everywhere, and they can do some serious damage to your garden because they turn your prized plant leaves and fruit into the salad bar at Sizzler. Slugs are the one creature on this planet that love terrible beer more than hillbillies do, and these mucus turds will always indulge in a late-night binge fest when given the chance.
Dig a hole in or near your garden and place a steep sided large cup, bowl, or Mason jar in the hole so the rim of the vessel barely sticks out of the ground. Fill it with beer three quarters of the way full (or for you pessimists, leave the glass a quarter empty and then go listen to My Chemical Romance). Leave the glass in the ground overnight, and by morning, you should have a dead slug beer cocktail.
Fix Your Lawn
If you don’t have the time or energy to make any of these beer hacks and you still want to pour that Natty Ice down the drain, then you can still benefit from your beer donation by dumping your crap beer on the brown spots in your lawn. The carbohydrates provide energy for the microbes in the soil, which then passes along the favor to your grass. The fermented sugars can also kill fungi that can cause the brown spots (the other cause is Uncle Chuck peeing in your yard).
Is your Axe Black Chill Cool Metal Shampoo not giving you all the shine and luster that you desire? Try adding some crappy beer to get your locks glowing and to stop your scalp from snowing! Boil one cup of beer in a medium sauce pan for about fifteen minutes or until it’s reduced to a half cup to eliminate the alcohol. Let the beer completely cool for about five to ten minutes. Combine the beer with one cup of any shampoo in a bowl and gently stir until it’s blended. Pour the beer shampoo into an empty shampoo bottle using a funnel. Now when that cop pulls you over and says that he smells alcohol, you can confidently say, “No officer, I haven’t been drinking, it’s my shampoo!” (In all seriousness folks, don’t drink and drive.)