3 Apocalyptic Disasters And The Craft Beer You’ll Need To Survive

Even though the solar eclipse didn’t bring on the apocalypse, there’s plenty of potential disasters you need to be prepared for. With that in mind we turn to our LA beer guy, Dave Stratton, who also does standup comedy when he’s not digging a bunker.

He sees these three world-ending  disaster possibilities as more like probabilities, so you’ll need the right craft beer in your survival kit.

Geomagnetic Reversal

If you haven’t heard of this disaster theory, then you’re in for a treat. The earth has an electromagnetic field around it that is generated from its molten iron core. This field is responsible for navigation systems not only for your Garmin, but also for birds, insects, and compasses. It also acts as a shield that protects the earth from solar flares and other harmful radiation that is given off from our sun.

On average, the polarity for our earth’s magnetic field changes every 450,000 years so the North Pole becomes the South Pole and vice versa (Santa Claus has a 450,000 year lease). The last time this change occurred was about 780,000 years ago. During this changing of the poles, theories predict that the earth will actually lose its field until the reversal is near completion.

No magnetic field means the sale of sunscreen is going to skyrocket. The earth’s going to get hot, really hot. Some theories suggest that geomagnetic reversal is the reason why Mars doesn’t have an atmosphere. Apparently it blew away while Mars was going through a reversal. So what’s going to happen to our planet?

Extreme heat from solar flares would melt the polar ice caps, which would cause nomadic tribes to develop on the remaining land that exists. Fresh water will become more and more scarce to the point that it would be used as currency. Good thing you packed craft beer in your disaster kit.

We all know that beer tastes much better than water, so if water is like gold, then craft beer will be like platinum. You can trade in that IPA you were saving for a luxurious tree hut. If you chose to not barter with your beer, then you can use your beer to help hydrate your body in the fiery inferno that you now call home.

Beer contains electrolytes, vitamins, and carbohydrates that are essential in keeping you hydrated and the carbonation helps get these things into your bloodstream faster than non-carbonated beverages. Recent studies have concluded that beer helps hydrate better than water just as long as you drink in moderation and keep the ABV down so you don’t pee like a racehorse. We would recommend Eagle Rock Solidarity Black Mild Ale (3.8% ABV), Short’s Brew Prolonged Enjoyment IPA (3.5% ABV), and the Notch Saison (3.8% ABV).

tAlien Invasion/Enslavement

Scientists have recently estimated that there could be over 100 billion planets in the universe that could inhabit life. If you don’t believe that there is intelligent life out there that’s more advanced than humans, then you don’t believe in science. Recent studies have found that warp travel is plausible and there is a way that our alien friends can travel faster than the speed of light to reach our planet by bending space time. It is almost inevitable that aliens will visit earth (if they haven’t already).

It should be no surprise that an alien race is bound to make humans their bitch because we’re inferior to them. Or so they think. These ETs will be so evolved that they will no longer have livers to filter out the toxins from their bodies (where they come from all toxins and fun have been eliminated, so their bodies eventually phased out their sobering sacks).

When these bug-eyed bastards enslave you to start mining unobtainium, you slip some barleywine in their alien Aquafina. After a brief moment of streaking and singing bad karaoke to Wayne Newton, the alien will turn yellow and vomit out its organs. That’s when you spread the word to your fellow earthlings that the aliens’ weakness is craft beer, which makes much more sense than M. Night Shyamalan’stheory that aliens’ weakness is water.

The Armageddon Virus

It all starts with a normal day. Covid’s long forgotten as you are about to sit down with your friends or family to watch that reality TV show that you’ve been waiting for all summer. But then your gut starts to feel like you swallowed a pickaxe wrapped in barbed wire. Before you know it, you have fluids coming out of all orifices, your body is so hot that your hand boils the water in the cup you try to drink out of, and you hallucinate an effigy of FDR replacing the one-armed drummer from Def Leopard in your living room.

You fall off your couch but you’re dead before you hit the floor. Your loved ones try to rush you to the hospital as you bleed profusely out of your eyes, but they become infected and die in the ER admitting room. An all-out pandemic erupts causing the earth’s population to dwindle to a few hundred survivors who are, for some reason, not affected by the super virus.

Unfortunately, unlike Covid-19, where drinking alcohol proved fairly effective, craft beer has no solution for the, super-aggressive Armageddon virus, but the fortunate few who do remain need to get busy repopulating the world. And unlike Hollywood’s versions of the Armageddon, the last remaining humans are not going to look like Mila Kunis, Denzel Washington, Jody Foster, or Brad Pitt.

The truth is you may have to propagate the species with people you are not so attracted to. That’s when craft beer comes to the rescue!

We don’t need to cite scientific studies to prove that consuming alcohol makes other people appear more attractive. But recent German studies have shown that hops may help increase a woman’s libido due to its estrogenic properties. If you’re cursed with the daunting task of repopulating the world , then why not enjoy it? And Russian River’s Pliny the Elder could provide the necessary Beer Goggles to keep you going

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It’s now evident that craft beer may provide a greater good for our future society than just being a tasty beverage.

Get packing, and may God have mercy on our souls.