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If I were to visualize the amount of alcohol I’ve ingested since the time I first set foot on a college campus, I think we’d have a swimming pool fit for the travel channel on our hands. It’s been cold and crisp, lukewarm and desperate, infused into gummy bears and watermelons – you name it. But it’s all been consumed orally. As a satisfied consumer for the past six years, I see no need to alter this process. Drink, enjoy, and move on with your life. This process just doesn’t seem to cut it for some people, which brings me to today’s topic: the 4 stupidest ways to ingest alcohol.
Smoking. A recent craze combines a few bad habits to create one seriously dangerous one. The idea originated in the Nord region, where it is common practice to pour a bottle of vodka over hot coals and breathe in the vapor, causing immediate intoxication for 20-30 minutes. In the US, it has become a dangerous fad among young people and those hoping to cut calories. By smoking alcohol, you’ll definitely save a few calories, but you’re also inhaling toxins directly into your brain and bloodstream. Sure, you’ll feel the effects immediately, but your stomach and liver won’t be there to save you (read: vomit) if you take too much. I never thought I’d say this, but have a vodka water instead! The commercial world is in on it too. Never mind health concerns if there’s money to be made, right? Vaportini is a glass tool that will aid you in your recklessness. Google it, and images of crack pipes also pop up. Need I say more?
Enema. Lovingly referred to as butt-chugging, this is the practice of soaking a spongy object in a liquor of your choice, and letting the thin lining of your colon do the rest. Beer bongs are also an option if you’re trying to draw a crowd with your idiocy. This presents a danger similar to smoking – you bypass your body’s chance to save you by introducing alcohol directly into your bloodstream. Unlike smoking, the origins of this practice are unknown. I’d imagine it’s somewhere between the multi-story beer bong and a few surprise babies on the list of Things That Came from Frat Parties.
Eyeballing. The least efficient and most harmful of the list. Applying alcohol directly to the eyeball strips away its protective membrane, which can cause devastating long-term effects to your vision. All this, and the eyeball isn’t even capable of soaking up much alcohol. It seems that this one is more talked-about than actually performed, but there are still a few accounts out there of cornea damage and blindness. Cool party trick dude.
InBev. The most widespread stupid way to ingest alcohol is via the vortex neck, punch top, bowtie-shaped, wide mouth receptacle of big beer. You must realize that all of these gimmicks do nothing for what’s inside, right? Their clear motivation here is to make you drink it faster, so you don’t have time to notice the taste.
Here at ACB we’re all for creativity and innovation, but not when it means annihilating your body just to increase your BAC. I hope that this list has given you a new appreciation for the sound of popping a beer bottle open and the feel of pressing it to your lips. Leave the creativity to the brewers.
*When I say idiotic, I mean idiotic. Do not try this at home, or anywhere else for that matter.
