A Thanksgiving Craft Beer Poem

, A Thanksgiving Craft Beer Poem

Let’s all feast and gorge ourselves for it’s that festive time of year,

and now you have the daunting task of choosing the right beer.

Your family and friends arrive and are expecting some delicious brews.

Good thing your palate is so fine-tuned that your craft pairings will never lose.

You know your family so well, right down to their hopes and fears.

This night will run more smoothly if you give them the right beers.

You have your traditional folk: Uncle Jeb and Grandpa Milsner.

Your best bet is to lighten their day with a crisp and hoppy pilsner.

Aunt Sarah is a saucy treat with more drama than Amanda Bynes.

She’ll stop talking about her ex with a good array of barleywines.

Cousin Chet is a veteran who claims to have lost his hand by a “turban.”

He’ll start telling truthful war stories with a stout aged on barrels of bourbon.

Brothers Tom and Rick are always gloating about their fancy lawyer careers.

A few double IPAs will shut them up and sit them on their rears.

Now comes the appetizers and finally you can grab for a glass.

This IPL pairs with these curry balls; let’s hope these spices don’t burn out your ass.

 Ahhh, the main course is served; with so many dishes comes so many pairings.

You know you’ve been working out, but do you notice Rick’s wife’s eyes are a staring?

Don’t get distracted – brush it off, you mighty Casanova

Because you have a pairing for each one of these yummy casserolas.

 Great grandma’s recipe for stuffing will make you get your taste on.

Swish down those turkey, sage, and celery-infused bread crumbs with a classic saison.

Mmmmm, mmmm, these mashed taters are practically the Holy Grail.

You must complete your mouthgasm with a scrumptious brown ale.

You’re feeling a little buzzed, but you’re all good, my bobble-dee-bop.

Holy shit, these yams taste frickin’ amazing with this Dopplebock!

Oh. My. God. This bird’s juiciness and flavanoids are getting you all jeezy in your bunkel!

You know you’re going to have to wash it down with those fine malts of dat Dunkel!

Oh, geez. You’re feeling oh so stuffed.

Dessert is left, yet eating and drinking another round will be quite tough.

Oh, uh. You start to salivate, but not because you want to put more food in your mouth.

No, you have to run to the toilet so you can ralph.

Maybe all this beer with this food wasn’t such a… WHOOOOOLUUUUG!

Some of your projectile vomit missed the pot and hit your girlfriend’s Uggs.

It might be best if she no longer left her shoes near the john.

You feel much better, so get back out there before the pie’s all gone.

You start round two with some pumpkin pie and a gingerbread stout.

By now, you should drink some water, but it’s LA – we’re in a drought!

Great Aunt Millie’s apple crisp is so good it makes you tingly in your crotch.

Cheers to more embarrassment; go for that bomber ale of scotch!

Your meal is done and your pairings went off without a hitch.

You took away everyone’s keys so they wouldn’t drive into a ditch.

Your family is happy and they greet you with raves, not rants.

You sit and marvel at your Thanksgiving feast, until you realize that you lost your pants.

 

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